This week’s two-night saga of Bachelor in Paradise proved a little more entertaining than the past. Things actually transpired between the contestants, and a whole lot of crying ensued.
Almost forgot where we left off last week until Evan appeared on the screen and the second hand embarrassment came rushing back. Evan reads his self-made date card aloud to Amanda. He awkwardly tries to win Amanda’s heart by saying weird Evan things and she cries, probably from sheer awkwardness of it all. Josh, while waiting, downs a frozen pizza, verbalizing his debilitating love for plain cheese pizza. Guess he likes basic things. Although Amanda nicely says she’s into Josh, Evan still feels he has a chance. Again, the delusion is real.
A pizza moon appears in the sky, and we applaud this brilliant way to end the scene.
Evan plots yet another feeble, embarrassing attempt to win… someone, anyone over. This time, he brings up Josh’s ex Andi Dorfman’s book which ‘supposedly’ slanders Josh’s name with “verbal abuse claims”. Josh confronts Evan in a more mature way than we’d expect. But again, we can’t pay attention to anything he is saying because he is literally dripping with sweat. Amanda likes it, we’re grossed out.
Finally, the women hold the power in this week’s rose ceremony, and there were a couple surprises. Sarah picks Daniel despite a good date and make out session with Christian. Carly picks Evan, ew. And Haley chooses Nick over Brandon… because Brandon sucks. Thus, Christian and Brandon leave without anyone really noticing or caring.
Evan makes an awkward toast, “To the pursuit of love and all of its twists and turns, love you guys” as we all shift uncomfortably in our seats.
Enter Caila. The bubbly, beautiful-haired girl who Ben sent home heartbroken. She’s cute and perfect and annoying and the girls start to get nervous. Caila asks Jared on a date where they go on a romantic horseback ride on the beach. Jared acts like a school boy, crushing giddily over Caila. It’s all pretty barf-worthy. He breaks is off with Emily, who handles it like a champ and expresses her confusion with never winning the guy even though she’s always the prettier girl involved.
The date card reveals a double date for Lace and Izzy who have changed their group name from the Sexy Six to Fantastic Four. They have a romantic dinner with their men Grant and Vinny followed by a night out at Senor Frogs that is all too reminiscent of my college days. Izzy claims she’s “in it to Vin it.”
Meanwhile at the house, Evan is back on the Carly train. Carly, “Evan is so nice, but he just doesn’t have any swag.” Well put my lady. She seems disturbed by him until he fakes his own death to get her attention. To which she finds kind of romantic and makes out with him. Ummm, no comment.
The episode ends with the return of Ashley Iaconetti. Her return is purely for Jared… again.
Tuesday night opens with Ashley’s arrival. While she tells Chris her goal is to only cry 3 times in its entirety, she’s already crying within the first 3 minutes when she finds out Caila and Jared have the hots for each other.
She confides it’s a bird because she’s Ashley I.
Ashley is forced to take Daniel on her date since he’s the only untaken man. They’re both a little crazy, so the date went weirdly well. In fact, it’s the first time we’ve seen anyone eat on a Bachelor date… so they must be enjoying themselves.
Dancing tribal men come out chanting “Sacrifice a virgin!” and whisk Ashley away, Daniel finishes her meal.
Next, Jen Saviano arrives, asks Nick on a date, everyone claps. Yikes, can we say pathetic? They go on a yacht and seem to be into each other, but it feels very forced and they almost get attacked by a school of crabs on the beach.
Meanwhile, Evan is dealing with swollen ankle syndrome. This requires hospital treatment, naturally. He uses this as an opportunity to entice Carly. Carly seems into it and we’re confused / a little grossed out.
Ashley cries a lot more. Caila awkwardly watches in the corner and pretends to care. Nick, 35 and tired of her childish antics shoots it straight with Ashley, “You will never be with Jared.” She doesn’t agree. Jared doesn’t seem to care too much because he is infatuated with Caila…
And that about sums it up! Tune in to Bachelor in Paradise next week to see which other girls get roses.
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